Casual Dating, Yay or Nay?

During my days at university casual dating was a very strange concept to me. I didn’t understand how people could talk to multiple individuals at one time and not get attached. One thing about me is when I like someone, I REALLY like them! I can’t get them off my mind, I think about my future with them and I can’t seem to like anyone else. The issue with that method is that you become emotionally invested with people too quickly and you start to have expectations from a situation that hasn’t even begun and that is why I had to step away from what I was doing before.

Casual dating has always been slightly taboo, especially amongst the black community. I find that a lot of people are still apprehensive to admit that they are on dating apps or talking to multiple people at once. Especially women, I think most feel as though casual dating comes across as though they are hooking up and sleeping with multiple people and a lot do not like the stigma attached but it can actually be very healthy and I’m about to tell you why through my experience!

I would say I only started intentionally casually dating this year. Last year I went on Hinge, and my main aim was just to explore the app and see how I felt about it but I didn’t have any intentions of taking casual dating seriously. This year, I joined an app called Melanin Matchmaker and for the most part it is just like every other dating app, but I like the fact that it is black owned and that everyone on there has some MELANIN 😍

I was on the app for two months which was a lot longer than Hinge (6 weeks) and that is because I found that on this app I was coming across people who genuinely wanted to find a connection. Plus, the app is really low-key and I was coming across men who I had never seen before. Remember if your from London it is a VERY small place.

I exchanged numbers with four men on the app and I want to explain how all four men have aided and helped with my development without them knowing.

Man 1

Man 1 was a connection where I reached out first as I initially found him attractive, we then exchanged numbers pretty quickly. For a while we were talking daily and I enjoyed our conversations. He was funny, a fantastic listener, very attentive and appeared to be ambitious which is always attractive. However as time went on, I noticed that Man 1 hadn’t been in a relationship before or ever really loved someone and this was very apparent in his attitude and approach towards relationships. I started to realise that Man 1 wouldn’t be suited to what I was looking for in a partner and if I didn’t shut it down asap I wouldn’t be genuine. I am someone who naturally doesn’t enjoy confrontation or ‘difficult conversations’ but you learn as you go throughout adulthood that those conversations are needed to avoid further conflict. I eventually told Man 1 that he was a great guy and I had enjoyed speaking with him but I didn’t see a future. Man 1 was very shocked but in a positive way. He said in a voice note “ You’re the first woman that has been upfront with me and told me how you feel. I’m not used to this and it’s refreshing to have someone communicate how they feel and I respect you for that.” Not only did that conversation help to develop my skills, but it also showed Man 1 something new.

Man 2

I connected with Man 2 for slightly different reasons. It wasn’t necessarily the physical attraction that led me to like his profile, but it was what he represented. He seemed to be driven, enjoy similar interests and hobbies and most importantly he was from the same country as me 😍 Man 2 found me attractive which was great and our conversations started slow and steady. We weren’t talking everyday, but we spoke enough to maintain some interest on both ends. I ended up meeting Man 2 in person and we went on a nice date, but during the date I realised that I wasn’t physically attracted to Man 2. Not even in the slightest. I couldn’t find one thing physically that was enough for me and that’s when I realised it wouldn’t work. They always say you shouldn’t be shallow but physical attraction is very IMPORTANT, for those at the back I hope you can hear me. I still like Man 2’s personality a lot, and I want to keep him in my life, but I am still yet to have ‘that’ conversation. Again, this is a challenge which casual dating has brought my way and which I need to act on soon.

Man 3

Man 3 connected with me first and I accepted as I found him attractive. We didn’t speak much on the app and exchanged numbers pretty quick. Man 3 lasted less than 5 days and let me tell you why! I realised Man 3 was pretty insecure and would get frustrated when I didn’t respond in ‘his’ time. He also appeared to have controlling tendencies and that didn’t sit well with me. If I’m honest, I didn’t feel I connected with Man 3 enough to send him a long paragraph and explanation on why I felt we weren’t suited and so I took it upon myself to block and delete his number. I think it’s always important to be observant and protect yourself at all costs, especially when casually dating. I didn’t feel safe voicing my opinion to this man as I felt he may become very defensive and emotionally/verbally challenging. It is important to know when to take action like this or else it may end up with trouble.

Man 4

Man 4 connected with me first, and I found him VERY attractive but I was also sceptical because I was wondering why such a good looking person was single. Was he toxic? Was he crazy? I don’t know, but I was ready to find out 😂 Man 4 and I didn’t start off speaking everyday, I was sure that it wasn’t going to last for longer than two weeks, but we naturally started paying more attention to each other and it has now been two months. Man 4 is THE MAN! We connect on a very deep level and it is everything wrapped in to one. The physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. Man 4 makes a lot of sense and to top it off I know in my heart that it is genuine and not some sort of act. We have both established that we are still in the casual dating stage and yes there can be some grey areas with that which I will address, BUT we are definitely both each others number one at the moment. I have learnt so much from Man 4 in a short space of time but most importantly, I have learnt to not judge a book by its cover and that sometimes slow and steady wins the race.

Now that I have shared what I have personally learnt from casual dating, I would like to share some general tips with you to encourage you to give it a go and also to shed light on what to expect.

What are the benefits of casual dating. What can you learn?

1. Casual dating is beneficial for those who get attached very easily. The process allows you to explore and get to know yourself and find what works for you. This doesn’t mean that you have to physically open yourself up to people but conversations are great for development.

2. Casual dating is great for enhancing your communication skills. You are going to be put in many scenarios where you have to start conversations, carry conversations, open up, have discussions and most importantly have difficult conversations. If you are someone who finds it difficult to open up to people in general then casual dating is great for that.

3. Casual dating can bring you out of your shell and provide you with new ideas, thoughts and perspectives. Because you are speaking with so many DIFFERENT people you are bound to be exposed to new examples and that is very healthy for growth and development.

4. Casual dating can be fun! You can go on so many cute and light-hearted dates and the best part is that you are not so deeply invested but you get to create memories and have experiences.

5. Casual dating allows you to depart from connections which are not for you. As you haven’t invested much time with people it is easy to walk away without feeling guilty or having deep emotions for the person. It also gives you options.

6. Finally, I feel casual dating builds your confidence. In a world where social media is so influential it can constantly feel as though you are not ‘good enough’ casual dating will remind you that there are regular people out there just like yourself who do not have outrageous standards and I think it is very important to be reminded of that.

Where are the grey areas with casual dating?

1. Because you are not exclusive or in a relationship with people you can experience imposter syndrome at times. You may have difficulty knowing where you stand and whether you should make certain feelings known or not and this can cause frustration.

2. Because it is casual you may find that you are on two different pages as time goes on. You may start to take that person more seriously or vice versa and this can create expectations of the other person which can cause issues.

3. You do not know how many people the other person is speaking or sleeping with and there can be risks at times. If you are sexually involved with a casual partner I would URGE you to speak with them openly about protection and have transparency so that you can protect yourself.

4. Casual dating can be tiring. As you are speaking with so many people at once it can become overwhelming and as a result can lead to connections fizzling out very quickly due to a lack of effort from them or yourself.

I would say those are my key points regarding casual dating. Have you tried it? Would you try it after reading my article? I would encourage you to give it a go and let me know your stories :)

Love Boohema

xxx