SITUATIONSHIPS

If you’re between the ages of 18–35, you’re surely either going through a current situationship, have been through one recently, have someone close to you who is going through one, or you’ve definitely heard about it.

However, there may be some out there who genuinely aren’t aware of what it is and I’m here to expand. If you’re not familiar with the term ‘situationship’ it’s a situation combined with a relationship.

In a simple explanation, it’s that awkward stage, when you’ve been speaking to a male or female for a period of time, normally over three months but you aren’t officially in a relationship with the person.

Most times in a situationship, there is no clear understanding between the person involved and yourself and guessing the status of your relationship becomes a regular occurance.

Often, you become too worried to bring up the situation because you’re scared you will hear something you sort of knew, but wasn’t ready for or that your question won’t be answered properly and you’ll be made to feel stupid for bringing it up.

As a lot of us are at ‘that age’ it’s kind of impossible for us to escape the dreaded questions of our relationship status.

We’re in a time where social media plays such an influential role in our daily lives. All we ever see are celebrities and influencers who are normally referred to as ‘relationship goals’ on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook etc and it appears as though they seem to have it all figured out and we don’t.

I believe too often women speak on what men should do or how men should behave and vice versa. As much as I may have opinions on how men in society should behave, I am not a man and will never be one.

I can’t completely understand the male mind and for this reason I won’t address this piece from a gender neutral perspective but rather from a female standpoint only.

I would like to share my story about how I got out of my situationship cycle.

This isn’t the golden rulebook, or guaranteed to find you your perfect partner but hopefully what it will do is, guide you in making better decisions for yourself and hopefully lead to a successful future in romance.

Prior to 2019, I have been in one, two, or maybe three. Fine I’ll be honest, if I was to sit here and count or speak on the amount of people I’ve dated I’ll be here forever and I’m not ashamed to say that because it’s my reality.

I had my year of exploring during university between 2013–2016 and this continued afterwards for about two years. 2018 came and I had simply had enough!

I had dated so many men who were emotionally unavailable, didn’t care for me, only wanted me for one thing or would lead me on to believe we was heading towards a relationship, when in reality we were no where near that point.

I found myself in a repetitive cycle of meeting the same character, just with a different name, catching feelings and then would be left hanging.

I’m sure you ladies can feel me on that one!

Every time I thought I had met someone who was different, a few months later I would find myself being single again and it was weighing on me as I’m sure it has for a lot of you.

Situationships aren’t for a day or two, it’s normally over a course of a few months, even up to a year sometimes and in that period you’re giving away so much energy.

The phonecalls, messages, social media interaction, dates. It’s just a lot. All for it to come to an end soon after, it’s definitely not easy.

2018 came and I decided to date one person the whole year, rather than multiple people throughout the year. This decision alone was the first step to a positive change, as prior to this moment I honestly believed I had lost the ability to be in a stable relationship.

Moving on from men quickly became a lifestyle for me and I had become broken from so many failed situationships that I barely believed in love anymore but if I wanted that pain to end I had to try something new.

The guy I was with in 2018 I liked a lot in the beginning but if I’m honest with myself now, it was coming from more of a lustful place than anything.

As I started to get to know him, I realised very quickly that we were incompatible.

This guy was often completely switched off when around me and at times we would sit in silence for hours because we had nothing to speak about.

His physical presence was always around but everything else was missing.

I don’t want to focus too much on this side of things though because this really isn’t the best part.

Fast forward to early 2019, I got rid of him and decided that I wanted a 5 year break from men. I know some of you females are probably looking at this like yeah right… 5 years.

No seriously! I was over it and I felt that spiritually I was in a new place where I didn’t want to pursue a relationship.

God had other plans for me though lmao!

Let’s skip forward 7 months to July 2019. A male friend which I had known for two years reached out to me. During this time I was at university pursuing my Masters degree and going through one of the hardest times in my life mentally, physically, financially and spiritually.

I had absolutely nothing to give or offer him but my pain and agony, so I couldn’t understand why he wanted to be in my life. I would constantly think of all the negative and everything which could go wrong and I was almost determined to break everything off when it seemed to be going a little ‘too well’.

To my surprise, despite everything I had going on, this man stood by me daily. He wanted to know how I was doing every day and wanted to genuinely be there for me and support me and I just couldn’t understand why.

Between August and October we dated, meeting up regularly, spending time in each other’s presence and learning the most personal and intimate parts of each other.

This sort of treatment was something I had never experienced but it felt good and for some reason it didn’t feel forced or like I was moving too fast. I know they say sometimes things can be too good to be true but honestly, this felt right and if it feels right ladies, TRUST your instincts.

Mid October everything changed. This man officially asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted. I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 19 and I am now 25.

Since October, my boyfriend and I have grown so close. He really is my bestfriend and I never knew it was even possible to have a bestfriend in a partner. Once you find one though, I can guarantee you its something you will never regret. It just gets better and better.

Here are a few tips below which I want to share about finding ‘The one’ for you.

• A lot of people try not to think of their friends of the opposite sex in ‘that way’ but honestly, its true what they say. Many times, solid friendships produce the best relationships. This is down to a few reasons. Firstly, trust has been built over a period of time between you and the other. Secondly, your energy will be a lot more natural with the person and this enables you to open up quicker and deeper. Finally, your friendship gives your relationship a foundation to stand on and if you find yourself in a disagreement it’s easier to overcome due to the bond you’ve built. Plus unlimited laughs! Trust me a relationship where there is friendship is lit. Try it ladies.
• Whilst going through my many situationships, I would meet men who would always say they would like to ‘go with the flow’ when dating. If I’m honest that statement is nonsense in most cases. My boyfriend knew what he wanted from very early on and made that clear to me. Clarity is very important and key to avoiding time wasters. If you’re dealing with someone and they aren’t sure what they want after a while let it go
• I’m not the perfect Christian but I do my best to try and maintain a certain level of relationship with God. Most men I had dated in the past were not at the level I would like them to be spiritually and my first ever boyfriend identified as atheist which was a huge issue for me. When speaking to my boyfriend in the early stages, I expressed to him how I feel about God and my relationship with my faith and he met me right in the middle as my morals were the same for him. For me, that was the first sign.
• As I mentioned, when my boyfriend and I began dating, I had nothing to my name. I was in a very uncomfortable stage of life trying to sort myself out but that didn’t deter him. All the times I cried and moaned about my circumstances, he never got fed up of hearing me out. That support and energy has not changed and support is definitely something you should look for in a partner. They should be your backbone.
• Thoughtfulness is a trait I’m sure most women can agree that we appreciate. We want to know that our man is thinking of us and that is exactly what mine did daily. If it’s difficult for a man to openly appreciate you. Let him go. I can assure you there are many men who would be willing to express their feelings for you.
• I suffer from anxiety at times and my boyfriend made this one of his priorities in helping me to stay calm and deal with it. I’m never made to feel less than, or as though I am wasting his time with my issues, insecurities or life battles and this is something every woman needs to ensure when picking a partner. If you can naturally be vulnerable with a partner you’re off to a great start and a healthy relationship.
• Finally, my boyfriend and I see eye to eye on many topics and arguing isn’t our style. Of course we have disagreements here and there but above anything I receive so much respect from this man. Respect that I deserve and in return he gets a lot of respect back. We have a balanced relationship and compliment each other very well. This is something to definitely pay attention to.

Ladies, I would also like to give you a few tips on some things to stop doing in order to come across the right partner.

• Do not compare all men. When you tell yourself mentally that ‘all men are the same’ ‘men are trash’ etc it has an effect on the type of men you go for.
• Connecting spiritually is very important. If you find yourself obsessing over a guy’s looks or his materialistic possessions he isn’t the one. Ask yourself if you guys really connect and if you don’t keep it moving.
• Do not look for love. I honestly believe when you are constantly out there looking you fall in to the hands of predators who can see your vulnerability or desperation. Learn to be comfortable in what you’ve got going on.
• Don’t feel as though you have to prove yourself to a man to be chosen. If someone wants to love you they will. As much as love is an emotion it is also a decision and that person has to decide if they are all in.
• Finally, don’t base your relationship decisions on what people say or what everyone else is doing. Once you learn to do things the way you want you will be happy.

I hope this helps you all. I’m wishing you all so much love.

God Bless

Boohema

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